Occasional Green Pastures and Quiet Waters

This is an open letter to the self-styled 'Church of God', a gathering of people from the World Mission Society Church of God, and the students of Elohim Academy.

My soul, oh my soul!
Why are you downcast?
Why do I carry my heart,
as Atlas would the world?
My spirit lies in the dust, weary.
Groaning as if plagued by colic.
My food and drink taste like oat bran,
Fine music rouse nothing but lint.
Oh that I would lie down
And wake in Sheol.

I'll be frank. There's this girl I quite fancy, and she's not in the country. I had been quite hoping that she would return, yet there were also word that she had found a reason to stay put. Just today, I received the news that I was really hoping that I wouldn't hear, that she wasn't coming back.

I know things like this isn't quite your life or death situations where one would kneel in mud under the pouring rain  yelling at the sky in a melodramatic fashion "Why, God, why??!!", but all the same, after having invested so much emotion, it is very gut-wrenching to hear that something isn't going the way you really hope it is. To say that I didn't feel anything would just be me putting up a façade, and would just be a total load of bull.

As hard as it is to see at this point, I have always trusted what the Bible says about God's revealed will for our lives, which I had very interestingly covered at my University College Fellowship at church. Holding on to the Father's promise that He is always in control, and that He uses everything to mould the people that He loves to be more like His Son, Jesus. Knowing first-hand that He is also a loving Father, and not a sadistic despot also helps me in my wrestling match between what I'm experiencing and His promise of a far better reality. That way I know that even when things don't go my way, ultimately, it isn't a bad thing to know that things will always go His way, and that His ways are always the best ways.

Once, there was this pastor visiting this church I used to attend in the early days of my university life. During his sermon, he made this statement: 'Children are sinful too!' At that point, I assumed that everybody there understood and agreed with the pastor. After all, everyone was guilty of rejecting the kingship of a God who had created this world, whether adult or child, and are under judgement for said rebellion; and this rebellion shows itself in many ways, but most of the time, it is about wanting ourselves to be the centre of the universe, whether it is in relationships with God, with other people, or even with the natural world around us. It was later that week, while I was talking to a girl from the same congregation about the sermon, where she told me in a very hurt tone, that she "couldn't believe that children were sinful". At that time I didn't say anything. I had no idea what children were like.

Today, almost four years down the road, with roughly the same amount of working experience with children, I think if I ever get the chance to relive that conversation, I would tell the girl that she obviously had never had to look after children for more than a quarter of an hour. In my three years with children even as young as six months, I have witnessed jealousy, rage, selfishness, self-righteousness, and manipulation. Although undeniably, they do have a great capacity for kind deeds, and the gift of a short memory for grievances, one can hardly say that they are the innocent, chubby angels from above. After all, like they say, we just only get better at hiding it when we grow up.

As I recount my experiences with children over the past three years, I am reminded of this article I read somewhere. Probably on the Gospel Coalition. Regardless, it was about Gospel centred parenting, where children need the Gospel as much as the adults. After all, do we not have a high priest who once was the infant in a manger, and the child at the temple? As much as he identifies with adult struggles with sin, he also identifies with the struggles of children with sin. In realising this, my heart is once again burdened with how I can share the good news of Jesus with these children, and I despair at the shortness of my arm. For how then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard?And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? Though the harvest is plentiful, the workers are few and overworked.

So, if you are thinking about areas of ministry you would like to help out with, let me encourage you to have children's ministry be one of them. No, it is and has never been limited to women only. In fact, the young boys would benefit lots from having a male figure setting an example. 

Two incidents have recently caught my eye. The first is the acquittal of a Malaysian national bowler from statutory rape charges on the account of him having a bright future. The second incident, which happened not too long after, is the similar acquittal of a 22 year old school dropout from statutory rape charges, also on the account of his future. Notably, there are differences in the two cases which have to be noted: in the latter case, the sexual act was consensual between both parties, while in the former, the man pleaded guilty.

However, what I found to be most interesting was not the cases themselves, but rather, the reaction towards these cases where offenders walk free from incarceration; and of all the reactions, the ones which strike me most are responses from Christians.

Many Christians were outraged at the fact that these offenders were allowed to walk off with less than a jail sentence, I myself included. What perversion of justice! How unfair to the victim! What was the judge thinking?! And then I realised something - I, of all people, as a Christian, should refrain from such outrage at the walking of such people. For was I not as they were, guilty? My charge was greater than what they were charged with. I was charged with rebellion against the King of Kings, for insubordination, for mutiny - of which I am deserving of death. I had no 'future' to appeal to, and even if I did, it was far from 'bright', but yet the Judge showed me grace in His mercy, and declared me righteous on the basis of his Son's substitutionary atoning death.

My thought is but this: If as Christians, we were shown such clemency, should we not expect such extra-judicial grace in our shadow of a judiciary system? Should we cry in outrage when one we deem to be guilty is pronounced by the judge to be otherwise? Then should we not cry in outrage at our own salvation? Should we not cry because we were not charged with what we deserved?

However, it is important to note that this picture is but an imperfect allegory of salvation. This is but a pale shadow of what true forgiveness is. True justice still demands for a price to be paid - somebody has to be punished for the crime. The Godhead did what no Earthly judge could do for any prosecuted - tear himself, a being who has been in perfect relationship with each other since eternity, apart to pay himself what the prosecuted could not pay. True justice is not lost in mercy, but instead is met together at the cross where Jesus dangled dying.

Know that feeling when you sorta kinda guess you've screwed up, and you're trying your best to ignore it, and then somebody tells you the stark cruel truth: you've screwed up?

Yeah... That's pretty much how I feel now.

I've spent three good hours figuring out where I screwed up, how I screwed up, and why I screwed up. It's quite cool finding out that my screwed up-ness may stem from childhood trauma, but it doesn't change the coldness of reality: I still screwed up, and nothing is ever going to change that.

There's still hope, you say? Yeah, right. Same probability the KL tower has of being the target of a terrorist attack. 'But it will work out for good...' you quote the Bible. That's easy for you to say, especially if you're God. You've arranged everything to your wisdom and for your pleasure. From the human perspective, this sucks. Big time.

The hardest part, knowing that God is indeed in control, and that all things do eventually work for the good of those who love him, is actually trusting God to work things out in his wisdom, as well as accepting the outcome even if it isn't what we want.

Makes you realise how powerless you actually are to do anything...

Funnily enough, there's great comfort knowing that God isn't apathetic to the shit we go through. Jesus being fully human while being fully God, experienced the same shit we are faced with. The same, if not worse troubles, the same, if not worse, temptations. By doing so, he understands how shitty it is to be human, and can have compassion on us.

If there was any consolation in staying behind to continue fighting and pleading, I would. Yet, every time I tried my best to show you your condition, you'd say I'm making you feel bad when I point out where we are going. I tried encouraging you, but you would only hear my criticism and ignore what I say when I thought you did a good job. To you, I am a thorn in your side. A necessary thorn, but sometimes a thorn can be tired of being a thorn when it can be a safety pin elsewhere.
My prayer for you is that you will continue to grow in love and discernment just as you grow in the knowledge of God's Word. Perhaps one day we will meet again and maybe then we could speak on the same wavelength. But for now, I'll have to take my leave.
There are people who need me more than you do, and are more willing to listen.

Sometimes, lugging this cross of mine is difficult and disheartening. Yet, I thank God for so graciously providing support all along the way. Ever since I've caught this hunger for the Bible, my father has been patiently helping me along, encouraging me to read and to challenge myself. I have him to thank for helping me grasp the concept of worship, and issues concerning the law and gospel.
As I continued to realise my work in HELP, I had the privilege to have Pastor Kek and Aaron Liu to help train me to use Just for Starters. Though it was then when obstacles started cropping up, I am grateful for Just for Starters as it was one of the things which got me off my feet.
Some time passed, and I had the opportunity of attending a conference by Gospel Growth Fellowship after being pestered by Vanessa Ong. Fellow Worker's Conference allowed me to see the reality of things - there are young people who are interested about studying the Bible accurately and faithfully. This very much encouraged me to push on, and inspired me to encourage my friends in the university Christian fellowship to be as passionate in dealing with the Word of God.
I continue to struggle in encouraging people to turn back to proclaiming the gospel and things became difficult. I could not see where to work was going and sometimes the obstacles were just too overwhelming. Once again, I see God's grace and providence when I was invited to attend SMACC. There, I met people who were faithful and accurate in expositing Bible text who encouraged me and even stepped in to help out. People like Andrew Cheah, Marianne, Tim Nicholls, and Brian King have been a great help.
Every time I feel discouraged, I think back and see how time and again the Lord has been so kind, and I cannot help but praise His name.