Sarcastic one liners

Here are a few House worthy retorts and remarks. Those around me, beware. I'm currently suffering from an Ace Ventura overdose coupled with an excess of sarcastic remarks (^0^)

· I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
· Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
· If I throw a stick, will you leave?
· Does your train of thought have a caboose?
· See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
· Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
· I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
· Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
· I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
· Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
· Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
· Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
· Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
· Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
· You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
· Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
· The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
· I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
· Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
· I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
· I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
· What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
· I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
· I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
· I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
· No, my powers can only be used for good.
· How about never? Is never good for you?
· You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
· I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
· I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
· I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
· It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
· At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
· You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
· I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
· Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Feel free to dish this at your not-so-favourite f(r)iends and lecturers (^0^)/ ahemahem....